I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
