I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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