Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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