Your mouth is God's brothel.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Drunk is a universal language darling
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
