If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
