life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
