Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
