Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
