obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
