Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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