I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
