Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
