I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
