your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
