dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
