there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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