I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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