WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
