I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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