just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
