I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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