umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
