That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
