I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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