Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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