i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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