someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
