Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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