I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
