It's like God shit irony all over that family
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
