so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
