Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
