Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
