I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize