Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
