I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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