1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
