sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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