Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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