Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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