i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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