There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize