wakey wakey hands off snakey
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize