i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
God, I missed his penis.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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