Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
