oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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