I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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