____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
