i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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