I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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