Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
