I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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