I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
