bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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