Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
