I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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