It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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