When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
