xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
