How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
